If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
