A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
