The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
FUCK WHALES
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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