you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
