I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
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Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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