I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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