I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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