Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
