you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
