I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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