I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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