Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
