he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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