just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
