Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
