mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
