and next time when you feel me up, do it right
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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