Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
