you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
