News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
