Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just shotgunned beers for America
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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