I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
