matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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