I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
