Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
