turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
