Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
