wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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