worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
