I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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