I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
bring money and cleavage
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
