Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
