the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
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So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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