Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
