hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
