i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
