Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
50% drunk capacity currently
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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