peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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