Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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