Girls should come with a carfax report
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
