Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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