i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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