can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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