I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She's the barista slut.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
