ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
