my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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