I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
