A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
