she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
