Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
