If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
