omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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