Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
